I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
