wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
