If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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