the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
