dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
