What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
