There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
