Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
