just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
