FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
