he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
