You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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