bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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