Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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