i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
