I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
