True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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