I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
