Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
