His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
