i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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