Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
