Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
