I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
