Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
