Who wears a wallet chain?!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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