I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
