You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
