thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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