I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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