Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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