Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
