i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
