I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
