he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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