Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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