Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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