I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
