What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
