She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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