i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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