so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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