I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
