Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need a beard to bite.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
