It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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