i don't like sucking hair
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
