Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
