Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
