im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
