just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
