did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
