shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
