Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
