this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i came on her dog
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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